we were pretty classy up until the second keg
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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