she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
