Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
