At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
