You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
What a dumb baby whore.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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