I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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