Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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