Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
