my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
