this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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