Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
