I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
its liver damage thursday
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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