two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
