she looked like the before picture.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
