please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
