Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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