The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
