i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
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