i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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