I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
