babies were throwing up all over the place
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I could fuck to npr.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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