I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
