Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
