I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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