so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
