I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
