Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
