How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize