Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
