come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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