The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
