I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
