Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
