census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize