At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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