that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
