I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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