Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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