I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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