shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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