Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
