You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Well I just put wine in my tea
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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