she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
