remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Randomize
