I think I died a long time ago.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It all started with a game of naked twister.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
