I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
