Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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