Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
