I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Randomize
