i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just cut my nipple shaving
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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