I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
