I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize