y did u give ur computer a hand job?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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