i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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