my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
