I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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