Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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