She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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