Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
