I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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