turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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