I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You made out with two different species that night
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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