There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
