Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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