That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
