Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
