Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
