someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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