They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
